A woman's week at the gym

(a funny e-mail from my sister)
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training at the local health club for
me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high
school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it
would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year
old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing
and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get
started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but
found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health
club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a
Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted
his aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time
he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a
heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. His voice is a little too
perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds,
he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put
me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent
a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators?
Christo told  me it would help me get in shape and enjoy
life.
He said some other crap too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Butthole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth
exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took
me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not
looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny
witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine --
which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that jerk Christo more than any human being has
ever hated any other human being in the history of the
world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor.
If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't
hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more
than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today.
Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine
with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.
I will also pray that next year my husband will
choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted
me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor
with diamonds!!!